my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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