somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
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its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize