I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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