I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
