So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
