She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
