My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
