tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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