There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
