Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
