the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
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I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
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I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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