Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
