Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
