And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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