i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
