He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
