I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
