My sheets look like a crime scene.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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