I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
