my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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