I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
