haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
