We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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