That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
