Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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