Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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