Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
