I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
