She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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