I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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