i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
