I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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