Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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