I murdered the dance floor call the cops
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
