Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
