Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
