I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
