I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
