last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
