Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
