Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
