I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
