she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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