Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
