I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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