I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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