Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
