Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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