I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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