i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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