My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
