and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
