Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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