So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
