Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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