??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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