She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
