What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
