Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
