I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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