The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
