if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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