there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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