The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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