it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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