I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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