Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
